The Panda Assassin

The Way of My Karma Ran Over My Dogma

As part of my rehabilitation back into the Order I have to undergo a series of tasks designed to humble the spirit. This my due lot after the great failure of being captured on a mission.

My first trial of the day is The Way of the Fluffy End of the Lollipop, which entails cleaning out the latrines. Now do not let this conjur up images of shining porcelain and rubber gloves. Ninja toilets are - as one would expect - unpleasant and fraught with lurking danger. They consist of a long log suspended over a deep ditch. The cleaning operation requires crawling through said trench with a large brush - or in my case, my fur.

This task has been made less bearable by Brother Niguri and his friends, who appear to have been subsisting on a diet of broccoli vindaloos and laxatives - and who "fail" to see me in the trench.

However, there seems to have been an instance of instant karma here because each one of the them has been hospitalised with a series of mysterious bowel perforations. These are exceedingly large and  painful in a way that baffles the doctors.

When I heard of this I mused on the workings of sin and fate a while. Then I returned to my second trial of the day, loading hay into a barn ... with a large pitchfork.

The Way of the Shower Daddy

Friends, ah friends, I look with shame at my last entry. The pride. The hubris. The talk of "large cheques". So long ago.  So much has changed. So many blossoms have flowed under the bridge since then.  I have suffered much and have  learned much.

It shames me further to confess that I am no longer a fully fledged Ninja (Junior Class, Order of the Shape of the Pear). I am now a lowly Adept once more, and this only thanks to the mercy of Master Hamzo. Without his intercession, my skin would be a fur rug in the Order's library and my genitals would have been sold to aphrodisiac manufacturers.

I have brought disgrace on myself and the Order by committing the only act deemed unacceptable for a ninja. I got caught.

As for my long silence on this and other matters, let me put it this way: it's not easy being a panda in prison. Especially not a pretty one...