Christmas is not normally celebrated in the Order. Most of the Brothers and Sisters are Daoists, Confucians or Buddhists. And all of us are hired killers - not noted for their Yuletide cheer.
However, I miss all the tinsel and the magic, childhood feeling that Christmas Eve brings, so I suggested traditional British celebrations should be adopted for our workplace, in accordance with the teachings of the Ninjitsu on the Way of the Ho Ho Ho.
When asked how British people celebrated the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ, in the context of the workplace, I quickly explained the basic tenets:
- Eating rat disguised as turkey at £4.90 for three courses.
- Drinking cheap wine then cheap beer, cheap premium lager, cheap gin, cheap vodka, cheap Cava, cheap brandy, cheap cider and value whisky. As a sharpener before lunch.
- Snorting lines of icing sugar having been told it is finest Bolivian marching powder.
- Spontaneous unaccompanied karaoke.
- Photocopying your buttocks.
- Kicking seven shades of festive fun out of the Finance Manager.
- Photocopying the Finance Manager's buttocks.
- Disappearing under the mistletoe with the office seamonster who no amount of crystal meth and tadalafil would normally induce you to approach within three miles of.
- Photocopying the office seamonster's buttocks.
- Vomiting prodigously over the entire board in reverse alphabetical order.
- Breaking into the office and setting fire to your underpants, having forgotten to take them off first.
After some discussion it was decided we should stick with a tree and some carols. Oh and kicking seven shades of festive fun out of the Finance Manager.