The Panda Assassin

The Way of the Sneezing Parrot

Serious times, my friend, serious times. A deadly plague stalks the lands around us. The terrors of avian flu reach even to the walls of our Order's remote fastness. Yet even in the face of an unseen, lethal enemy the teachings of the Ninjitsu guide and protect us. So it is that, adhering to instructions of The Way of the Sneezing Parrot, we are burning pitch, sprinkling lemon juice on the exterior walls and smearing beeswax on our faces to keep the disease at bay.

I pointed out to our chief medic, Honoured Master Megochi, that this was a tad primitive. His reply was that by relying on 16th century superstitions and really high walls we were far more prepared for a pandemic than most major countries.

Shortly after, Honoured Master Megochi left our base in a hurry, citing "urgent business in Siberia" that required his immediate attention. Several other senior ninjas have joined him. Still I reassure myself with the following thought: "It's not spread to pandas so sod you, Jack, I'm all right."

The Way of the One Nation

Well, the work is really flooding in. This is a considerable relief as Master Toro will not now be forcing me to supplement my income by selling my genitals on eBay for use in traditional medicines.

Most recently, I was hired to infiltrate an old building in a major world city, in accordance with the teachings of the Ninjitsu on the Way of the Whispered Spectre. Like a ghost, I breezed past their security. This was not easy as I am an 18 stone, black and white "giant cat bear" wearing a black mask who carries a sword. However, I circumvented their precautions by carrying a clipboard, looking busy and loudly barking: "Hello, Bob".

My mission was to give advance notice to my client on the result of an upcoming contest. I was to open boxes and count the bits of paper inside before escaping and reporting back. This I did successfully.

There was only a slight hitch, on my way out, my clipboard knocked over a box. And as I bent down to pick the thing up, I tripped over my katana and landed amid a pile of papers and boxes. However, nobody heard and  I quickly picked up the bits of paper and shoved them back into the right boxes. Well, I'm 99% sure they were the right boxes.

Anyway, I'm sure it wasn't all that important...

The Way of the Gowk's Errand

Much hilarity here this morning. One of our less wordly trainees, Brother Ainame, was the subject of a most amusing practical joke. It has long been speculated by his classmates that he was ignorant in the ways of the flesh. Given the events of last night, that is unlikely to change any time soon.

One of his fellows slipped a note under his pillow. (I suspect Brother Niguri.) It read: "I am secretly dying to have you, and I'm too horny to keep it in. Meet me in the main courtyard at midnight. Be naked. And blindfolded. With a rose clenched between your buttocks. And so I know it's you, write: 'Yessir, I can boogie' on your chest with a permanent marker. Find me by touch."

It was "signed" with the name of one of the more attractive young ladies from the monastery.

The idiot only went and followed the instructions to the letter. I believe the only person who was not in the courtyard was one of the junior chefs who had developed dysentry.

I would have found the whole thing even funnier if I had not been recieved a letter "from Master Hamzo" telling me that the Order were looking for someone to carry out a hit at a Christmas Panto and that all those wanting to be considered for the mission should, in accordance with the teachings of the ninjitsu, show their readiness by wearing tutus and blindfolds while practising ballet cambres in the main courtyard at midnight.

Brother Niguri should be out of the hospital wing soon. Once they find where I hid him, that is.