I am going through a bit of a crisis. I have always wanted to be a ninja, ever since I was a baby panda. While other panda cubs were eating bamboo and lying about, I would be creeping through the undergrowth wielding my lunch like a sword.
I was so quiet I once stumbled on my parents making love in the way that only pandas do. My Dad was lying on his back saying: "I really can't be bothered. Can you?" My Mum, who was lying beside him, said: "Me neither. Fancy some bamboo?"
For years I struggled to be accepted into the Way of the Ninjitsu. Finally, I was taken on as an apprentice. Finally, I passed the lethal tests of ninjahood and have become an Adept, able to kill silently and efficiently with a variety of weapons. Able to disappear into the shadows afterwards.
But I'm not getting any work. And I need the money. I get my basic pay from the Order but, frankly, that only covers my four-kilo-a-day bamboo habit.
It appears there just isn't much call for a covert assassin who is a slow-moving, passive, endangered, 260lb ball of black and white fluff.
I take refuge from my troubles the only way I know how: "Quick, Watson, the shoots and leaves."