The Subtle Way of the Old Niagaras
My spirit is still uneasy about my failure to master the teachings of the Ninjitsu. But last night the ghost of my father came to me in a dream. He did not speak but his presence radiated serenity and calmness. It was almost as if he was delivering a gift of reassurance from the Blessed Beyond. As I began to wake, I remembered that my father is not in the Blessed Beyond. He's in Harthill Zoo, where he regularly gets urinated on by local youths. It was then I realised that the presence by my hospital bed was Brother Niguri practising his stealth skills, no doubt preparing to pin another "Extinct Me!" notice to my back. Determined to exact revenge, I reached for a handy stick of bamboo I keep by my bed for snackular emergencies. I then whacked this at his nether regions with great but silent force, in accordance with the Ninjitsu's teaching of "The Subtle Way of the Old Niagaras". In the dark and in my haste, it was not the bamboo I reached for but my katana – the sword I have been resolutely unable to pick up, let alone wield, despite weeks of practise. As luck would have it, not only did I successfully grab the handle of the honourable weapon, but drew it perfectly and directed it at my foe's waist "like a silver needle darting through silk", in accordance with the teachings of the Ninjitsu. It was a perfect strike and had Brother Niguri not slipped backwards at that moment he would have been, at best, cut in half or, worse, subjected to improvised gender reassignment. As it was, the blade nicked the chord of his pyjamas (black, in accordance with the teachings of the Ninjitsu on the Uses of Hospital Nightwear), causing his trousers to slip to the floor. Believing I was genuinely trying to kill him he leaped on top of me and grasped my throat in an attempt to execute The Crushing Touch of the Viper. I responded with The Hold of the Binding Ivy. It was at that moment that the lights came on and the rest of the ward were greeted with the sight of Brother Niguri and I in a fierce embrace, him naked from the waist down. Inevitably, the wrong impression was generated. The situation was not aided by Brother Maki's remark that "this explains why there aren't too many baby pandas". Despite our protestations, the two of us were forced by Master Hanzo to adopt The Stance of the Solitary Crane beside the carp pond for three hours while he recited the teachings of the Ninjitsu's HR Appendix 743 (2001) Paragraph 27b on The Way of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
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